I met this slug as he journeyed across my compost heap. Unfortunately, it was his last journey, as I am one of the awful, brutal gardeners who keeps a pair of ‘slug-cutting’ scissors in their coat pocket. I’m sorry, Mr Slug, but there’s just no other way. Either you go quietly now, or endure weeks of trying to slide across eggshells and avoiding little swimming pools full of yeast and sugar to reach my young lettuce plants.

Slugs are one of the main reasons people are wary of organic gardening. How can you cope?  they ask, clutching their bottle of slug pellets nervously. The truth is, slug pellets aren’t as amazing as they are cracked up to be. Last year I watched a friend of mine triumphantly place ten pots of bush tomatoes on her patio and paint the paving blue with slug pellets. It was quite impressive, really, until we returned the following day to find iridescent, sticky trails covering the patio, and the pots, and…the truncated stumps of ten tomatoes. The slugs, knowing they were on death row after sliding over all that metaldehyde, had requested a last meal, and then collapsed, fat and happy, at the base of the demolished plant.

That’s all rather amusing, but slug pellets are well-known for the damage they can wreak upon native wildlife, domestic animals and even children. I’m not touching them with a barge pole. Besides, they’re so boring in comparison to all the other weapons you can use.

Slugger off: the guide

1. Send out the infantry
The soil temperature is warming up enough now to apply nematodes, microscopic organisms which latch onto slugs and kill them. Birds can still dine out safely on the carcasses, and the nematodes move from slug to slug. Click here for stockists.

2. Buy them a round of drinks
Slugs love a good slurp of the amber nectar. In fact, they love it so much that they fall in and drown. Collect empty yoghurt and butter pots and fill them with beer or, as we are doing in the Garden from Scratch, a mixture of warm water, one packet of dry yeast and a tablespoon of sugar. Position these in the ground, with two or three centimetres of the rim sticking up above the soil. This will prevent beneficial ground beetles from falling in. Empty the traps once every week.

3. Caffeine fix
Slugs and snails are slow beasts. Unlike humans, they don’t crave coffee first thing in the morning. In fact, spent coffee grounds dehydrate them. So spread them liberally around your tender plants, and watch the blighters zoom away from their morning espresso.

4. Walking on eggshells
Create an awkward situation around your plants by laying a collar of broken eggshells (make sure you bake them in the over first). The slugs will hate the spiky surface, and give up.

5. Ruin the meal
If a very determined slug has reached your hosta or young sunflower, make sure you sorely disappoint them by serving up a garlic-tastic dish. Crush the cloves from two garlic bulbs into a saucepan of boiling water, add chilli powder, and leave to simmer (with the lid on and the windows open) for half an hour. Decant into a spray bottle, and spray all over your plants. This spray also works as an insect repellant for other plants such as roses. Research has shown that slugs hate the scent and taste of garlic oil and will leave their prey well alone.

6. High society
Birds adore munching on slugs, so encourage them into your garden for a slap-up meal. Plant plenty of berry-bearing plants, and if you can, keep an open stretch of lawn so they can forage. Other slug-a-holics include hedgehogs and toads.

7. A wild night out
Lie in wait for slugs on your plot after dark, armed with a torch, bucket, thermos of boiling water and a skewer. Expect to catch and ‘cook’ around 100 every hour. Once they’re dead, leave them on your bird table. Don’t use salt as the murder weapon: it is very bad for birds.