It’s best to be honest from the start: this is not my orchid. My orchid is sitting in the study in a furious sulk. This orchid belongs to my mother and is so entranced with its life that it keeps flinging out more flowering stalks. At present, it has two enormous branches covered in white moth-like flowers. It has been in flower since November.
I’m bitter: in fact, I have orchid envy. I have been gardening for 17 years. At the age of seven I successfully grew my first plant from a cutting. I have never had carrot fly. When I was a teenager I naturalised Fritillaria meleagris into my wildflower meadow. But in spite of all this, I have never, ever been able to grow an orchid. In fact, I have successfully killed three orchids in the past three years. One was, admittedly, doomed from the start. I bought it from a stall in Leather Lane market while on my lunchbreak, lugged it back to university with me, and then left it in our filthy student sitting room. But the other two had no reason to die. They had everything going for them.
Meanwhile, my mother’s orchid continues to toss its pretty little white petals and lap up the limelight. In fact, it is so happy that it is producing little drops of a sugary liquid on its stalk which, I am told by orchid growers, is a sign that it is very happy and content with life. Pah.
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